I feel like, at some point this schmidt was too big for me. Life been mostly good. But sometimes, you just so fucked up that you think it might not be that bad to die. Or maybe just kill yourself. Cause everything feels like schmidt!
Hey, do you ever feel scared? Do you even know what scared is? Scared is when you got so much dirty baggage but you can not tell anyone. Scared is when you sad and telling people about it just so damn hard, you don’t even know how to start. Don’t understand how to show empathy or condolences in a normal people way. Do not understand how to be normal like other people. And because of that, you feel screwed every time. Hows that for a definition of SCARED?!
And I am, scared…
Last night, I thought I had such a great time. Was watching Doctor Strange awesomeness till that post end credit, which is totally amazeballs! After that, had a nice conversation with a kind Gojek driver. I started the conversation, which by mile, never happens in my life if not necessary or in a no choice situation. Never happens with strangers. But, last nite, I feel happy and I just thought why not try? Start asking how long he’s been working as Gojek driver, how he join them, and then it’s just flow. I feel great! I feel normal! I feel like I could, be normal.
This morning, I feel great. I’m thinking this is it, I’ll be fine. I’m changing. Hoping that it will only get better and better, if not easier. At least, I’ll survive.
But, with afternoon came along all the symptomps. Headache start building pain without mercy, lungs are out of air – it’s hard to even think to take a breath let alone taking a deep breath. Then the weary and worry filling my head like heavy rain. I’m back to square one.
And now, what am I thinking? Well, should I even think? I don’t even know what I could possibly thinking of. I coulf only mumbling, about the impossibilities that seems endless for someone like me…