Gosh I wish I know what to say, or maybe have the courage to say it. Why people with SAD is damn sad and just look like a jerk to everyone. They ask you questions like you were criminals. Like you doing something wrong when you didn’t do what they do, while it’s not in your capacity to do that thing. It’s like we do it in purpose, like we just too big headed dick who just so arrogant that we won’t attend almost all the invitations we got.
I can’t eat in public, I hate crowd, I get lost in my mind when I stuck in such crowded situation. I feel anxious around people, even got panic attack sometime. Well, I guess it is wrong to feel all of that for normal people. Imagine that happens to you and others think you just a jerk. That feeling will just multiply themselves like a dumb bunny. And I got to feel that almost every day.
Sometime, well, so many times I had think to just came out to them, and say it out loud that I had this thing with me. It’s called SAD, and it sucks. Well, I did, I tell to few close friends ( or maybe it’s just in my head, cause that what I thought), and man it just end up like I’m telling them a story. Like I made them up and go on full blast straight lie to them. Guess what?! Yup, the guilty schmidty override my brain, anxious, my mind start pulling out all possible dumb reason, justify everything, calculate every mistake I’ve made for a life time of heck I’ve been living. Thinking what the heck that I’ve done. How can I take it back, or erase them from the tape of my life. Oh yup, it feels like someone just call a death sentence on me.
So, go on, ask me how great it is, cause it is like nothing you ever imagine. Huff, why am I blaming normal people for something that they don’t understand? I don’t know. Maybe, cause I don’t understand how this thing either. Possibly cause I feel tired and had no idea how to get this out of my mind. Try drawing portrait, capturing emotion on a face, I fail miserably. Trying singing, and my voice got crack cause I’m not singing properly. Try silence my mouth and everyone throw too much question with their eyes and their humming bird sounds. And I’m screwed.
What should I do? God, given the gift and I just don’t know how to handle them. I’ve been broken to pieces like no fingers could count. To be alive for twenty something years with this thing while taking care my little family. I should be grateful. No, I don’t need anyone saying I’m doing a great job or I did the right thing, even worst – that I am a good person. Well, I’m not a bad person, but not that Madam Theresa kinda good. I just want to be normal like others. Not to feel anxious every time. Don’t have to deal with this SAD thingy. I just want to live a normal life, with someone to tell me that it’s fine when I’m doing something wrong, when I fail. Who really care and wouldn’t ask such question or stare with the look of a confuse human being. Like I was just a weird dumb bunny.
Well, I shouldn’t rumbling or mumbling like a total loser, it’s Ramadhan, and I am fasting, shouldn’t say all those things. But, I couldn’t help it, I need to let this out, so I could feel a little bit better and wouldn’t fall apart. Just to let myself breath and calm down as much as I could. I’m not really blaming others, or even God for the gift. It’s just, since I have no one to talk to right now, pouring it down into words wasn’t such a bad idea. No one would’ve read them anyway.
Alright, I think I’m done. Sign out for now…